What the hell?!

Control Top pantyhose are the devil’s playground. For serious.

I found some on sale, bought the size up from my weight and height measurements, thinking I was all kinds of smart. (sidebar: I know I’m thin and all but my weight isn’t even ON the chart. Like…should I be shopping in the Juniors department? Wait a minute…genius!) I get them home and promptly forget about them. You know you do this, don’t kid yourself.

So two days later I’m wearing a skirt to work and I think, “a proper lady would wear tights with this. No, Alicia. Not the fuchsia ones. Wear some regular colours for once in your life. God. What is it with you?” (<- the innermost thoughts of my mind, folks. Hold the applause.) I suddenly remember the two pairs of pantyhose I stashed away and I’m all kinds of proud of myself.

Then? I put them on.

But that’s not the worst part. No, no, no, no. When you’re standing there, you’re kind of sucked in and lovely and feeling just a little snugged up in a nice way. I was all, “Day-um. You southern belles are smarty pants with your pantyhose. I am way classy and stylish and Kate Middleton-esque. Score one for the good guys!”

Then? I sat down at my desk.


Cut to me pulling and tugging and squirming in my seat cause I’m 99% convinced the elastic has either cut me entirely in half or is cutting off all circulation to my lower extremities. They are rolled down to create a wonderful fluff of…fat. Ok? Fat is now rolled over the top of my control-top pantyhose, making it look like I’m wearing the most ill-fitting corset ever invented. WHO’S TOP ARE YOU CONTROLLING, PANTYHOSE?!!??

If you’re having trouble picturing this because you’ve never tortured yourself with these contraption devices (well played, you) then allow me to demonstrate in semi-photographic-okay-it’s-just-Microsoft-paint evidence:

proper curvature of the body

no. fucking no.

I rest my case.

::throws away those pieces of shit::

I’m sorry for the classless tramp look at the office, folks. But I just can’t get behind something that gives me unnecessary muffin top. Necessary muffin top? Like, from eating too many muffin tops? I’m 100% behind. Giddy up.


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